What do you do when you receive an apology for a long-ago hurt? A hurt that you were not aware you still carried? A hurt that was nearly 40 years old?
Not a hurt a great sadness, a sadness for a love long gone.
To receive an apology for it seems stupid yet it causes confusion in my mind. His words a reminder that his childhood was worse than mine and yet I had sat in judgment of him. Seeing him as an abuser when he had been abused so much worse than he ever did to me.
The automatic reaction to his words, he is lying... Why because that has always been my reaction when he talks about the things he has accomplished. Disbelief ... why? When did I decide that he was a liar? When did I decide that he could accomplish nothing, would never accomplish anything?
I wonder if that man in B.C. had mesmerized me after all? It was on that trip back that I decided he was a liar. It was after that trip to B.C. that everything started to collapse. I do not remember the trip back at all.
What happened? I do not know, I only remember that it all changed sometime during the months we were there. I do not even remember how long we stayed there.
The apology came yesterday and today I find myself wondering about the past. My daughter loved it and wishes to go back, my son, I do not know what he remembers other than the fact that I sent them home by themselves on a bus. I gave them $300 to get back home for food and other things.
As we were getting ready to leave I counted what I had in my wallet and saw $300 missing but for some reason, I forgot I gave it to my children. I thought he had given it to some woman, someone he was having an affair with. I have no clue where that belief came from I had nothing to base it on only that it felt true and made me angry. The anger, so much anger every time I saw him flirting with another woman.
He always had a smile and a kind word for everyone, nothing had changed except that suddenly I was always suspicious of him and saw his behaviour in a different way.
The lesson: memory is tricky and hides things from us that could have changed our lives.