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I'm Just Me Because ...

 My hands shake, not in a noticeable way if you are just looking at me, in a consistently low-level quiver. If that were the worst of it I would not complain but occasionally when I am holding something they will shake noticeably until I focus on them and tell them to stop. I do not know why that works but it does. I think it may be a combination of the random nerve firings associated with fibro and a side effect of one of the medications I take for my depression.

But then there are times like this morning that actually cause my hands or arms I'm not sure which to jerk suddenly spilling anything that happens to be in them. This morning it was my AM medication other times I've lost bowls of soup or plates of salad.

Though I have suffered from restless leg syndrome for years it's only recently that I've noticed the same thing happening with my arms during the day. Not often yet but it is becoming more frequent. It was bad enough when my body does a full-body jerk when I'm settling into bed.

I need my hands and my arms for so many things though I guess the most important part is giving and getting hugs. If I become unable to do that then I would wish myself dead. Hugs mean love to me and everyone can benefit from them.

Fibro is a catch-all like Huntingdon Syndrome though it is about the nerves while huntingtons is about the muscles. Either way it is making my life a lot more difficult these days. I am hoping it doesn't continue to cause problems or get bad enough that I won't be able to cook because I'll be afraid of burning myself.

If there comes a time that I am not able to take care of myself then I think I will say good-bye rather then become a burden on my family. It's bad enough now. 

Agoraphobia is a real thing and though I do not suffer from it as far as I know I do not leave my apartment unless I am dragged out these days. Before the quarantine, I would at least go to the corner store once in a while but I have not been there for months and it has been a year or so since I went grocery shopping without someone with me.

Since the quarantine, I don't go anywhere without at least one other person with me. I have tried to make myself go out alone but I only get as far as the front door. I'll open the door and breathe in the outside air while it is closing but that is as far as I can go. I don't even walk in the garden any more. If I have to I'll take the garbage out to the shed but mostly I have GD#1 do it for me.

My GD #1 and the Professor are always on my case to move more and often my daughter and son try to get me out but alone just isn't possible any more it seems. I do not know the cause but I can guess at it. I have experienced a lot in my life and it has left me without trust in my fellow humans. Since they are everywhere, in order to avoid them and keep myself "safe", I stay indoors.

It is what it is and I have lots to keep me busy here though I admit I spend a good part of my day just reading. Thankfully that is something I enjoy doing.


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