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Saturday Subjects - Self

I am a stubborn woman, I am also lazy and curious. When I first got the Dythymeia and Fibromyalgia diagnosis I admit I wanted people to look after me. I mean I had been looking after my children and other things for half my life at that point and I was tired of being the one in charge. 

Lately though I have found myself irritated by all the people telling me what to do or having people do things for me that I know I am fully capable of doing just because I asked. Over the last decade, I've more or less trained them to do that so it is my own fault.

I want to change that. I want to pursue certain things I've been afraid of doing and I want to get more self-sufficient again. The thing is I know what to do, I even know how to do it but I keep fighting with myself. Or my body no my mind somehow always finds a way to stop me either by causing a flair up or some other thing like fear to stop me.

My mom always told me I could do anything I set my mind to but I've found that I have to be all in or I sabotage myself. The problem with so many things is that I can't get fully immersed in them and I am not sure why.

Actually, I do know a little bit. My inner brat has been acting out for years now and I've allowed her free rein because of the above-mentioned attitude. Bringing her back under control is going to be difficult I think because it has been so long.

I have talked about this before and I made promises I could not keep so this time I'm not going to make any promise except that I will do my best going forward and hope that is enough.


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