Skip to main content

I Don't Dance Anymore


I used to love to dance... for so long it was one of the only things that made me smile but one day I had a flashback to an event in my childhood that took away all that joy.

It is something I wish I could forget again so that I can enjoy dancing again. I miss that simple joy. Every time I start to enjoy moving to the music the memory comes back and I lose it again. It makes me very sad.

Once when I was about six I saw a ballet on TV. It captured me & I watched the whole thing. The next day I went to school and I tried to dance like they did with the shadows from some big old trees. When I had finished I became aware that my school mates and teachers had been watching and they all had big smiles and clapped for me. Sounds great right! It was right up until I fell ill with the chicken pox a few days later. The fever dreams twisted that image of positive reinforcement into a nightmare of catcalls and sarcastic laughter ruining everything I had gained.

I still danced as the years went by but it was always in a group, I could never dance alone again. I do not know what triggered the flashback, I was in my mid 30's that much I remember because it was after that, that I refused to go dancing with the Professor and to consider doing it on my own terrified me. As I unravelled what had actually happened from the nightmare I thought finally I can dance again. I have never been able to, every time I try any sign of approval sends me running and hiding again despite the knowledge that it isn't true, that nightmare isn't true. Any sign of approval gets me to thinking, they don't mean it they are laughing at me and I stop.

I don't dance anymore except when the music takes me and I can forget for a little while. You know what I mean that song that gets you up on your feet and moving despite everything. That is the only time I can dance but afterwards, I remember again and I don't play that song for months or sometimes years.

I wish ... I wish many things but mostly I wish to feel that joy, that easy childish joy again. That I could dance every day and not think about it at all.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

National Make a Friend Day

I am not very good at making friends or keeping them it seems. I do not go outside much, in fact I hardly leave my home unless it is family related. That makes it hard especially since friends expect you to come to them at least once in a while and I find I can't.

If it were simply a matter of laziness it would be understandable but it isn't. Some days I can't even open the door to let in some fresh air. I do not know where the fear comes from I just know that that is what I feel when I think about going outside most of the time.

Agoraphobia: Triggers for this anxiety may include wide-open spaces, crowds (social anxiety), or traveling (even short distances). Agoraphobia is often, but not always, compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public.
Causes: Genetic and environmental factors Symptoms: Anxiety in situations perceived to be unsafe, panic attacks Treatment: Cognitive behavioral ther…

Hello March

May the sun be with us! Except with the quiet coming of March be on the lookout for at least one more big storm before the end of the month. I love the sun but I always hope March comes in like a lion so that it will go out like a lamb. I can deal with cold and snow early in the month but I always wish for the beauty of sun and green buds on the trees at the end of it.

So where did the phrase 'In like a lamb, out like a lion' come from?

There are several ideas:

While many sayings are base on observation and are accurate, others are the rhymes and beliefs of those who came before us.
Those folks actually believed that bad spirits could change the weather adversely, so they were cautious as to what they did or didn't do in certain situations.  Those beliefs also included ideas that there could be a balance in weather and in life. So if the weather came in bad, (like a lion) it could go out good and calm. (like a lamb)
Since March is such a changeable month in which we can see…

Putting my best foot forward

Once a year I go get a hair cut. Tomorrow is that day.

Actually, for the last four, it has been a hair shave, that is every hair on my head was cut to an mm of its life. This year to celebrate my 59th year I decided to modify the cut a little as the hot flashes and the symptoms of menopause have been on the decline letting me hope I have finally entered Post-Menopause

I decided I was going to do some research on what kind of cut I wanted. Along the way, I learned a little bit of hairdresser speak.

I look carefully at Jamie Lee Curtis and Dame Judi Dench as they are the epitome of style for the older woman but while both cuts were interesting neither was what I wanted though Jamie Lee comes close.

I like the top layer it is short but longer than the sides so there is a little on top to play with and dress up plus it is still easy to take care of. For the sides and back, I want to go shorter. You see how the hair fades from the long top to the really short area around the ears this is w…