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A Rant

Yesterday was supposed to be a fun day but it nearly became a disaster twice. The second stemmed from the first so I'll begin there.

I have trouble with my memory a lot. Forgetting words, forgetting what I'm looking for and forgetting things I need to do whatever it is I'm doing that day. More than once I've left my ODSP papers at home when I needed them to get a bus pass or medication. Before they changed the process at the pharmacy, I was glad I no longer needed a drug card.

Last month we were supposed to take GS#1 & GS#2 to the circus but I gave the tickets away. I made a decision that caused all kinds of problems between the professor and my daughter and between both of them and me. I did not intentionally lie indeed I didn't really lie at all. I was working from a false assumption. The professor had kept saying he wasn't sure, didn't want to take the boys because their disabilities might have caused some problems. He also seemed really tired so I decided to cancel the outing and gave the tickets to a friend of my daughters. He thought my daughter had cancelled the outing, she thought he had neither considered that I might have been the one even though I was the one who talked to both of them.

My daughter insisted that we take the boys out for a couple of hours because we were supposed to have them for the day. To keep the peace with her I agreed even knowing how the professor was going to react. He will forgive a number of things but when it comes to money he is very protective, of the money. So that was the very beginning of our fight though until yesterday I did not know that he was still pissed about it.

We had made the trip to Toronto and were outside the Legoland building when I realized that I had left the tickets at home. I had meant to put them into my bag but forgot and when we left I had assumed that that was where they were. He got mad and I shifted the blame by suggesting that he should have grabbed them, that I had expected him to. Now both are true but the fault was mine. I'm sorry about the way I shifted the blame but I did so after he had accused me of fucking him over a second time. That is when I knew he was still angry over the circus thing.

After some frantic searching on his phone to see if he had a copy of them on there we decided to go in and see if they could find us in their computer system, turned out they could. So the kids got to have their day even if we were out of sorts. He kept saying that we were too old for this annual outing which kept my anger simmering.

We take the Grandkids out once a year for a day. I need that time! Though it is getting difficult to find things the pairs will enjoy together. I am thinking maybe I'll have to make it five days in the summer rather than the current three or else find something all five of them will enjoy at the same time. The CNE comes to mind as does the science centre. However, since I will be funding it I may have to find things in town that we can do.

Anyway back to yesterday. We had stopped at the bathrooms and suggested that everyone take a bathroom break bot GD#3 and GS#3 said they didn't need to go and I didn't push it. Turned out that in the case of GS#3 I should have. We were on our way out of the parking lot when he said he had to go real bad. Unfortunately, there was nowhere nearby that we could take him and once you leave legoland you can't go back in without purchasing more tickets.

He ended up peeing himself and since it was his own fault nothing more was said about other than that he would be sitting in his wet chair in his wet pants all the way home and that that will hopefully teach him to take a bathroom break when it is offered.

The professor started sayin that he was no longer allowed in the car and that we would not be taking any of the kids anywhere ever again. He brought up an incident that happened twenty years ago to illustrate that he meant what he said.

I was angry at him and told him that I didn't care and that I was not going to let him guilt trip me into agreeing with him. He said something about my daughter and my mind went up in flames. I refused to talk to him because I was afraid I would start yelling at him in front of the kids and I didn't want to do that.

I am so sick of being used by those two as a buffer between them and I am tired of both of them trying to get me to pick a side in their ongoing war. I am sick of the arguments over his money. If I thought I could manage without his support I would tell him to stuff it but after the bill and groceries are bought I have less than $150 a month for clothes, household supplies and anything else that I might need. Which I suppose should be enough if I don't go out anywhere or buy any craft supplies, sewing supplies etc that I need for my various projects.

I am not able to read all day, or write all day I need to be making something, it is the only thing that keeps me sane. I couldn't do that without him and he knows it.

It doesn't make me any less tired of dealing with the bullshit that goes on between him and the rest of my family. I left his house to prevent causing issues with his mother and brother and expecting him to be on my side. He nearly never was. I left because I didn't want him to have to choose between them and me yet he expects it from me all the time.

Our attitude towards money is very different as well. I know what it is like to support my family I've done it most of my life both with money and with a place to stay while they were getting ready to face the world as adults. I paid the bills on a house in which six of us lived at the same time so I know that money must be husbanned occasionally but I also know that unless money is circulated in dollar stores and thrift shops and other places they will not be able to pay their staff which means they will disappear like so many stores already has.

If I could I would send certain members of my family extra monetary support each month but I can't so I do what I can. My bills are paid and so is my rent so I should be able to spend my money any way I want without getting a lecture or a stern look for it. And if I screw up I'd like it forgotten and life moving on instead of having it thrown in my face all the time.

I could keep going but I think that is enough for now.

Live, Love, Laugh

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